InValid

Today I awoke angry. Ever have one of those nights when you are fighting with someone in your dreams and the lasting effects linger with you just like the bad taste in your mouth that gives you morning breath? This morning I have the foulest breath that no amount of mouthwash can absolve it.
In my dream I was living back at home with my parents in my old room. I loved my room. It was both my solace and my prison, but that is beside the point. Back in the room, I don’t know exactly what I was doing but something crashed through the ceiling and fell on top of me. Although it didn’t kill me it was crushing me. I cried out for my family to come and they did. My mom screamed and my sister’s gasped but my dad just stood there. My mom was trying to push whatever was on me with all of her strength. My sister’s too were also trying to wrap their arms around this heavy object but to no avail. Each woman in my family begged and pleaded for my father to help, but their calls went unanswered. All their effort was in vain meanwhile my dad just stood there doing absolutely nothing. I was furious.
All throughout my childhood my parents did a great job at invalidating my feelings. I would fight with my middle sister constantly as children are supposed to do. My parents, instead of investigating the situation, would tell us how lucky we are to have a sibling because my mother had lost her brother when I was born. How exactly is that supposed to make an 8 year old feel? I tell you- guilty and shameful. No wonder why I struggle with those feelings now 20 years later. I share that with you because as I write this I am struggling with my feelings. I am telling myself-no you shouldn’t really feel like that. I am telling myself that I am bad son for writing that about my parents. But if I am going to get better I must write. I must give voice to that voiceless child that is within me that is begging to live a life worth living. Invalidating someone’s feelings makes them an invalid. An invalid is someone who cannot move, someone who is shut in and someone who shuts out. I am tired of being an invalid.